What was I Thinking?

Remembering your purpose

Being a mom of kids with complex needs is just that, complex. You may be weary and discouraged. You may feel alone. You may even be experiencing blocked care.

Your fatigue is completely understandable to anyone who has walked a similar path. You’re constantly balancing the needs of many people and responsibilities. As my good friend says, “So many needs; so little mom.”

Russ and some of the crew - 2011

The intensity of your life may not make sense to most people around you, which only deepens the discouragement. And if you’re feeling shut down and disconnected from your child, you may feel ashamed.

Hear me when I say, you’re a good mom in very challenging circumstances.

I’ve walked through these deep waters. There was a time when I couldn’t admit to anyone—even myself—that I was drowning in a sea of fear and hopelessness. I didn’t know how to reach out for help. I felt like a failure. After all, I chose to adopt my children, so I should be able to handle it.

But I wasn’t handling it at all. I isolated myself, believing nobody could understand. I didn’t sleep. I worried constantly and cried often. I didn’t know how to turn my life around. What was going to become of my family?

We didn’t have Facebook groups, Marco Polo, or Substack back then, but I found community through my blog and the blogs of other adoptive moms. We interacted in the comment sections of posts and became friends across the miles. Through those connections, I learned other moms were struggling just like me. With community around me, I found the strength to seek out resources. A blog reader introduced me to a phenomenal therapist for our family and also to one of my lifelong best friends.

One thing I learned in conversation with other moms is that remembering our purpose can help us persevere.

So let me ask you: why did you decide to foster or adopt?​ Was it because you love children and wanted to meet the needs of a child? Was it because of your faith and the belief that God was calling you? Was it because you loved being a mom and knew you had a lot of love to give? Or was a family member needing a stable home and family?

Think back to the moment you knew you were going to pursue the wild ride of foster care or adoption. Take a moment to answer this question (I’d encourage you to write it down):

“I decided to foster or adopt because ____________________________________.

I felt ______________ and _____________. This is harder than I ever

could have imagined, and today I feel _____________________.”

Look again at why you decided to foster or adopt. The sense of purpose that led you to dive into the intense foster care or adoption process hasn’t changed. You’re still the person you were before your kids joined your family.

Write your original purpose down again.

__________________________________________________________

If your heart was moved to meet the needs of a hurting child, you’re making a difference—maybe imperfectly, but your child now knows safety, food, love, and a more predictable life. Maybe this child is a part of your extended family and you stepped forward because you were the one best equipped to meet the need.

If your purpose was to answer God’s call, you’re faithfully walking that path—still imperfect, but your willing heart to respond to God’s instruction to care for a vulnerable child is a beautiful act of obedience that pleases Him.

If your dream was simply to be a mom to a child who needed one, you’re exactly who that child needed. You’re still a good mom, with a heart that longs to love and nurture her children, even when the journey feels hard.

Hold on to your sense of purpose. Reclaim your belief in yourself as a good mom—because you are! Your heart is beautiful.

I’m cheering you on.

I’d love to hear from you—what’s one thing that helps you keep going when the days are hard? Leave a comment answering this question or share anything you like. Your words may be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.

With love and hope,

Lisa

P.S. If you’re looking for a community of moms who understand, join me in the Hope Circle, the kindest place for adoptive, foster, and kinship moms.